January 1st, 2018.
I didn’t celebrate New Years Eve. In fact, I’m pretty sure subconsciously I avoided the thought of it at all costs. I slept in late this morning. I didn’t want to get up. I forced myself out of bed around noon. Yes…I got up and made eggs, which I ate back in bed. I prayed as soon as I opened my eyes and expressed gratitude. I meditated from the darkness of room, which I seem to not leave often these days.
I’m not going to lie here. I’ve been really, somewhat, annoyed with this whole new year goal setting bullshit. Maybe it’s because I’m always setting goals, maybe I am judging. Maybe because I’m not all about this “New Year New Me” excitement… I feel like a bad person. I’m over here not leaving my room, let alone my house, while all these people on social media are celebrating and/or hustling on their businesses. So it seems at the least.
I am complaining right now. It doesn’t look good on me. In fact, writing that… I feel quite ugly right now. If I want to become a better person day in and day out, it’s critical that I recognize these thoughts and get to the bottom of them. These thoughts above are only putting me in a worse mood! They are lowing my vibration. Draining my energy. If I want progress in my life, I must vow to drop:
Talk about a formula for stress, depression, energy depletion, anxiety, and ultimately … failure.
What has this emotional routine of destruction done for me? Absolutely ZERO. Well, it’s kept me in hiding. Hiding from my true self. Hiding from what’s real. This makes me upset! But I must recognize this. Otherwise I’ll never change for the better.
I’m not writing this right now to be “sappy” or “sad”. I am writing this because I have been avoiding writing when I know it helps me heal. Writing is like having an intervention with myself. And, I like to think I’m a pretty good writer. I am writing to be real. To be real for me, because there is something missing in my daily routine that would help me move forward in life, and I’m struggling to see what it is. When I write, things just come out… my hand starts flowing… and more times than not, I wind up answering my own questions about myself and my decisions. I am writing this right now to express to my own self where my mindset is at this stage in my life, to become aware of any limitations, and to begin the healing process and move past them.
To be honest, I am tired of sharing my journey… I feel exhausted internally. I am exhausted from my own thoughts. All the overthinking I do is slowly killing me.
It’s felt like I’ve been flying high these past two years. And while deep down, I know I still am, I feel stuck. Stagnant. I am struggling to see the opening, the next step that will change this mental mess I am doing to my own self. The good news is, with the personal development work I have been doing, I know that I can change my state of mind in a heartbeat. Yes, in a heartbeat. Is it easy? No, it’s not. In my opinion, it takes a hell of a lot of practice and screw ups until you master it. I have yet to master it, but I have done it. So I know it can be done.
What I am thinking…. how I am feeling. These are things that I know are in my control. We can’t control what happens in the outer world. But we can control what happens in our inner world.
Let’s take a step back and reflect on the many blessings that I am currently overlooking:
- Date With Destiny: I attended DWD in Australia! Here, I committed to live my life as designed in accordance with my highest values and to continue to evaluate and ask the necessary questions that will shape the quality of my life and my ultimate destiny. Hence, why I am writing this blog right now!
- I crewed / volunteered my first Anthony Robbins event, Unleash the Power Within in West Palm Beach. I became a servant, helping other souls to have an amazing life experience like I did at my first event, rooting them on their own personal transformations
- I became a certified group fitness instructor, randomly! I didn’t see myself doing this. Thank you to those folks that reached out and asked if I was a personal trainer or instructor. You encouraged and inspired me to pursue this move. I had an incredible time teaching fitness class. I felt most alive. I felt like my real, most authentic self
- My amazing clients (and new friends) at Free Your Fitness, the gym I am so grateful to have welcomed me in as a brand new instructor. These clients… they saw something in me that I did not. The inspired belief in myself. The love they showed me, the consistency in showing up in class not only for them but because they saw value in my classes and coaching style. I was even provided more classes to teach because of them! They kept me going and going. They have no idea the impact they made on me. I am incredibly grateful
- I fell in love, twice. Although left broken-hearted, this was good for me. It opened my eyes to some internal weaknesses I have when it comes to self-love. Yes, self-love. Because you have to know how to love yourself in order to teach others how to love you. I am proud that I walked away hurt. And that I kept walking and didn’t go back. I am learning to let go and it’s beautiful
- I effectively helped many friends and acquaintances see something different in a situation, in themselves, or in the way they were looking/seeing something. Something bigger than the pain they came to me with. This is my life’s mission. I am here to create sparks in you, to help you to light up from within, so that you have a new found energy that will help you get you wherever the hell it is you want to be
- I made PROGRESS on my pull-ups! So what if I have a running jump start. Progress is PROGRESS. Progress equals happiness!
- I went from hating mediation to looking forward to it…holy shit!
- I’ve had some major breakthroughs. One being that I learned I’ve been living life in masculine energy, which is not my CORE energy. I’ve been wearing a freaking mask all my life! AKA: Mike Tyson! Huge breakthrough…HUGE. One reason I have struggled in relationships. But, now I know and is something I am currently working on
- I’ve learned to walk away from bad energy, bad vibes, even when deep down… I may not have wanted to. This is very hard to do
- I found a new fear. The “financial” crisis fear. Subconsciously, I asked for this. I am getting what I asked for. I’ve always been blessed financially. I never really knew what it was like to struggle. I’m not homeless…YET…so that’s a plus! Fear = New breakthrough
Lot’s of great blessings came my way in 2017. It felt incredible to write them out as such. While some of those blessings came with pain, that’s okay. The growth is in the pain.
And well, well, well, would you look at who has arrived!!!
The grateful hearted, loving, Lori McAdams.
I’ve certainly gained a pep in me. Hell, I’m still writing! I felt I dumped that “icky-ness” onto paper (well now the computer) and I got it out of me. I am taking ownership through writing…and it’s working…so I am going to continue and get it all of out of my system.
This morning, I woke up and said silently in my head:
“This downward spiral you’re on right now…it’s only getting worse. You’re going down and down and down. You have stopped going up.”
NO WONDER I stayed in bed until NOON this New Years day! My roommate asked me to do the Polar Plunge. If I had been in peak state, I would have been all about it but instead I was like, “Uh, hell no” — Says the girl who has walked on fire TWICE NOW.
This proves my mindset is controlling what action I take…in LIFE.
MINDSET IS EVERYTHING. And it is in our control. It’s hard freakin’ work, but it can be done.
So, 2018, I see you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you, Lori, for finally showing up today! This is MY year!
I will become an ACTION TAKER.
I will choose FAITH over FEAR. This means I will step out of my comfort zone. I will take risks. I will become courageous and fearless.
I am stepping into my role as an energy healer, a success coach, and I will contribute all that I can, even if I don’t feel “ready”. I am ready. Everything I need is already within me.
I will become addicted to my morning rituals: Prayer, Meditation, Dancing, Exercise, and priming myself with gratitude
I will step out of my comfort zone in my own personal fitness and in my fitness career. I will not be the best. I will face rejection. Through rejection, I will grow determination and strength to get out there and try harder. Through not being the best, I will learn from others and model their leadership and drive.
I am committed to transforming my body. I want to see it do things it hasn’t done before. I will be stronger than I have ever been, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. I will become stronger specifically through running. Running is where my mind plays the most tricks on me. But not this year. I will master my body and mind in 2018.
I will meet many new amazing humans through growing within the Austin fitness community. I will learn from them and support them.
When I feel like dying in a workout, I will keep going. When I feel like skipping a workout, I will grab my shoes and go run within minutes of the thought. Because I am in control.
It’s my decision.
It’s my destiny.
This is the real year of transformation.
From the INSIDE OUT.